we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
Randomize
