Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
Randomize
