I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Tornado booty call.. dedication
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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