It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
Randomize
