So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
Randomize
