T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Randomize
