I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
