Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
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