Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
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