i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
