I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
We left the knife in your bed.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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