My hand turned me down
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
Randomize
