somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
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