Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
