this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
