So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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