My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
Randomize
