don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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