I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Randomize
