I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
Randomize
