shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
