I am puke
can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
It was confusing and full of hummus
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
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