someone threw a dead crab at me
guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
Randomize
