They keep asking what you are doing. I told them to quit calling her "what."
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
