Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
Randomize
