1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
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its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
i ditched last period to have sex with him. i had to change into my skank clothes in the church parking lot. little kids were on the swings.
nothing about this is right.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
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first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
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