dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
