I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
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