We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Randomize
