your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
