you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Randomize
