before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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