I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
Randomize
