I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
Randomize
