I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
one word: firstdatebathroomanal
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
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