Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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