i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Randomize
