I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
Randomize
