Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Randomize
