haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
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