clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
