if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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