i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
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