I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
Randomize
