your room smells of hookers.
And success
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
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