I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
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