I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
God, you're like boner-b-gone
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
Randomize
