There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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