you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
