Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
