you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
Randomize
