Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
