So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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