I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
worst night to have a conscience
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
the liver wants what the liver wants
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
Verdict: uncircumcised.
Randomize
