Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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