she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
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